The Adventures of Merlin the Magic Guy
by Marauder-chan
Summary: Crack. Complete and utter crack.


Merlin was sitting in the throne room. In fact, everyone in the palace was sitting in the throne room. They were all in a sort-of half circle, with Uther in the middle. They watched the door as if waiting for something.

Suddenly, a girl wearing a brown, ratty dress came in. She bowed before the king. "My lord, I request your help. I have a wagon full of bread to carry, but it's too heavy for me. I need a servant to carry it."

"Ha!" Arthur suddenly burst into laughter. He was sitting next to Merlin. "As if we'd help you. You're ugly!"

It was true. Upon closer inspection, she had long buck teeth, a lumpy nose, and crossed eyes. "How dare you!" she screeched. "I shall curse you! Now you will know how it is to be like me!" The girl took water out of her pocket and threw it at Arthur. When it hit him, he transformed into an ugly girl.

"No!" He screamed, clutching his face, and ran out of the room sobbing. Merlin decided he should probably chase after him.

He followed the distraught prince all the way to his room. "What's wrong?" he asked when they got there.

"Look at me. I'm ugly!" Arthur moaned. "No one will ever love me now! I'm hideous."

Merlin frankly agreed with him, but he wasn't going to say that out loud. "I think you're beautiful," he lied.

"Oh. Okay." Arthur seemed mollified by this. "You're really nice, Merlin. I've decided to marry you."

He frowned. "What about Gwen?"

"Oh, yeah," Arthur remembered. "Never mind, then. Hey, you have magic. Can you turn me back to normal?"

Merlin didn't know the spell, so he decided to wing it. " _Eloptolc asi ruhtra_ ," he said, his eyes glowing. All of a sudden, there was a baby sitting where Arthur had been. It started to cry.

Merlin picked the child up, unsure what to do with it. "I'll give him to Uther," he decided. "He knows what to do with a baby Arthur."

He went to the throne room, where everyone was now sitting in a sort of triangular/pentagonal shape. "I have a baby Arthur for you," he said to the king.

Uther looked at the baby. "I don't want it," he declared. "Give it to Morgana instead."

Merlin went up to the king's ward and handed it to her. Once he had, he was horrified at what he had done. Now that she had Arthur, he knew she would make a potion out of his fingers and contaminate the water supply with it!

He decided to go outside to destroy the water pumps. Once he got outside, though, he saw a huge crowd surrounding the great dragon, who had Arthur sitting in his open mouth.

Merlin shoved his way through the crowd. "Arthur!" he called out to the prince. "Let me have a turn!"

Arthur shook his head. "No way. He likes me better."

Merlin stomped his foot in frustration. It wasn't fair! He really wanted to sit up there, more than Prince Prat did for sure.

Suddenly, everyone in the crowd turned into evil living corpses, and started to walk towards him. "What do we do?" worried Arthur, who was standing next to Merlin.

Merlin suddenly remembered that he had Excalibur in his pocket. "Here," he said, pulling it out. "It's your destiny to have this."

The minute Arthur touched the sword, though, it turned a muddy brown color and the blade bent over. "I don't see how this will help," he said.

"Wait," Merlin said, coming up with an idea. He grabbed the sword and threw it at one of the enemies, hitting them in the head. It immediately came back to him, and he deftly snatched it out of midair. "The curved shape makes it return to its owner," he explained knowledgeably.

Arthur nodded. "Ah, that makes sense." He took a random sword off the ground and bent it with his bare hands. He and Merlin then proceeded to beat up the bad guys with their impromptu boomerangs. Soon they were surrounded by corpses.

"This is cool," Arthur said.

Merlin didn't really get what he meant by that. It wasn't cool at all. In fact, it was rather hot. After all, Camelot was completely surrounded by a desert.

He looked sadly down at the bodies surrounding him. All these poor townsfolk had died from heatstroke. He glanced to his side to see Arthur strewn out on the ground, dead.

Oh no, Merlin thought. Now there's only one side of the coin left.

He picked up a coin off the ground and took it to a nearby table. He then took out Excalibur, which was restored to its normal sword form, and pressed it down on the coin to try to cut it in half. However, every time he tried, the coin slipped out and fell.

"Merlin," he heard from behind him. He turned around to see Arthur standing there.

"Ah, Arthur," he said. "Can you help me with this? I'm trying to cut the coin in half."

"Merlin," he said. "Merlin! MERLIN!" Suddenly Arthur turned into Gaius.

Merlin gave the coin to him, only for him to put it in his mouth, chew it, and swallow it. "Merlin," he said when he was finished, "You have a great destiny ahead of you."

"I know," Merlin told him. "It would have been greater if you hadn't gone and eaten it, though."

Gaius looked like he was still hungry, so Merlin gave him his whole coin pouch.

He then went off to go clean out the stables. "All I do is work, work, work," he muttered as he swept away the cobwebs and gave all the horses baths.

THE END


End file.
